28 Dec, 2012
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This time of year is tough for many families, but can be especially tough for blended families. My youngest daughter turned ten on December 18th. Her birthday is always a challenge, because most of her friends are busy with family/Christmas preparations. We have had family parties for her, since the divorce, with extended family from both sides. Jeff and Molly (my ex-husband and his wife) each have divorced parents, and step-parents. My parents are divorced, but neither are remarried. My husband, Bob also has divorced parents who have significant others. This year, Cami wanted a family party, but we have all had a tough few months, and just did not feel up to the drama this year.
The four of us get along, and try not to?cause unnecessary drama. This is not always the case with all four sides of extended family. We have a diverse set of personalities in each family. Some are religious, some are not. Some work weekends, and some are unable to eat in the evening. Some are very uncomfortable having a group party, some are not. Some would prefer we were the traditional divorced family, who does everything separately, not happy about sharing Cami?with everyone. Cami decided on a family dinner, with Bob, myself, her father, her step-mother, and all of her siblings together. She will have a slumber party in January. On the evening of her birthday we all went out to dinner at Texas Roadhouse (her favorite) to celebrate.
Yes, the four of us took all four children out for Cami?s?birthday, and yes, we all sat at the same table together. I think Jeff and Bob were probably a little nervous anticipating awkward feelings, but it went very well! Bob, Cami, Ayden, and I sat on one side, while Ali, Molly Jeff, and Peyton sat on the other side. Ayden had us all entertained for most of the night. He danced and clapped in his high chair while the wait-staff danced, laughed when Bob picked up a slobber-covered cup, and pulled his sister?s hair. I noticed while we had dinner that caring for two babies at once is like juggling, with several balls constantly in the air. It made me appreciate Molly, the girl?s step-mom all the more. She takes care of two babies, AND puts up with my teenager!
I brought a homemade birthday cake, and we left the restaurant full and happy. The girls both enjoyed the night very much, and commented after we left that we are the best parents EVER. There were a couple of memories brought up from when Jeff and I were married, which I always worry will make Bob or Molly uncomfortable. Other than that, it went very smooth. 
I know our situation is not for everyone. We have had practice in getting along with one another, and work very hard to co-parent our children. I truly believe if more families would try this approach, our situation could be considered normal one day.
The information below is from Help Guide
What makes a successful blended family?
Trying to make a blended family a replica of your first family, or the ideal nuclear family, can often set family members up for confusion, frustration, and disappointment. Instead, embrace the differences and consider the basic elements that make a successful blended family:
- Solid marriage. Without the marriage, there is no family. It?s harder to take care of the marriage in a blended family because you don?t have couple time like most first marriages do. You?ll have to grow and mature into the marriage while parenting.
- Being civil. If family members can be civil with one another on a regular basis rather than ignoring, purposely trying to hurt, or completely withdrawing from each other, you?re on track.
- All relationships are respectful. This is not just referring to the kids? behavior toward the adults. Respect should be given not just based on age, but based on the fact that you are all family members now.
- Compassion for everyone?s development. Members of your blended family may be at various life stages and have different needs (teens versus toddlers, for example). They may also be at different stages in accepting this new family. Family members need to understand and honor those differences.
- Room for growth. After a few years of being blended, hopefully the family will grow and members will choose to spend more time together and feel closer to one another.
Adapted from: RemarriageSuccess.com
Create clear, safe boundaries in blended families
An important part of building trust in a family has to do with discipline. Couples should discuss the role each step-parent will play in raising their respective children, as well as changes in household rules.
The following tips can help make this difficult transition a bit smoother:
- Establish the step-parent as more of a friend or counselor rather than a disciplinarian.
- Let the biological parent remain primarily responsible for discipline until the step-parent has developed solid bonds with the kids.
- Create a list of family rules. Discuss the rules with the children and post them in a prominent place. Try to understand what the rules and boundaries are for the kids in their other residence, and, if possible, be consistent.
Keep ALL parents involved
Children will adjust better to the blended family if they have access to both biological parents. It is important if all parents are involved and work toward a parenting partnership.
- Let the kids know that you and your ex-spouse will continue to love them and be there for them throughout their lives.
- Tell the kids that your new spouse will not be a ?replacement? mom or dad, but another person to love and support them.
The way a blended family communicates says a lot about the level of trust between family members. When communication is clear, open, and frequent, there are fewer opportunities for misunderstanding and more possibilities for connection, whether it is between parent and child, step-parent and stepchild, or between stepsiblings.
Uncertainty and worry about family issues often comes from poor communication. It might be helpful to set up some ?house rules? for communication within a blended family, such as:
- Listen respectfully to one another.
- Address conflict positively.
- Establish an open and nonjudgmental atmosphere.
- Do things together ? games, sports, activities.
- Show affection to one another comfortably.
Tips for a healthy blended family
- All brothers and sisters ?fall out?,so don?t assume all family arguments are the result of living in a blended family.
- Beware of favoritism.Be fair. Don?t overcompensate by favoring your stepchildren. This is a common mistake, made with best intentions, in an attempt to avoid indulging your biological children.
- Communicate, communicate, communicate.Be sure to discuss everything. Never keep emotions bottled up or hold grudges.
- Make special arrangements.If some of the kids ?just visit,? make sure they have a locked cupboard for their personal things. Bringing toothbrushes and other ?standard fare? each time they come to your home makes them feel like a visitor, not a member of the blended family.
- Find support.Locate a step-parenting support organization in your community. You can learn how other blended families address some of the challenges of blended families.
- Spend time every day with your child. Try to spend at least one ?quiet time? period with your child (or children) daily. Even in the best of blended families, children still need to enjoy some ?alone time? with each parent.
More on our Blended Family.
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Trish Eklund
Author's Website: Link
Trish Eklund was born in Texas, lived in New Mexico and has been a Nebraska transplant for the last 15 years. She gives insight to raising a blended family and talks about her divorce.
Taking a nontraditional approach to raising children after divorce and remarriage, all four adults co-parent their daughters. Trish has been writing since the third grade, and is presently revising her fourth young adult novel. Her other interests include: astrology, reading, the paranormal, helping others, and animals. Learn more about Trish at: www.trishwriter11.blogspot.com
Source: http://herviewfromhome.com/blended-family-birthdays/
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